Alright, I’ve been found out. I have a penchant for CAPSLOCK. Call it what you want (by which I mean anything but “cruise control for cool,” because I swear, if I hear that again, the entire nation of Andorra is falling on someone’s house) — Internet Tourette’s, like jamming screeching bats in your ears (I would not recommend this) — it really makes no difference to me. The truth is, a lot of things sound better in caps. Some things are angry, vehement, and ridiculous, and there is no better way to express them. Sure, I’ve tried a certain emphasis, but it feels delicate, vague, and undecided. Try this on for size: Oh God, plague rats!

I think not.

I’m not sure why capslock is so maligned, and perhaps you guys could help me with this, but surely in moderation, even capslock has its uses. Then, of course, there are the people who don’t realize that capslock is a toggle, or were never taught about lowercase. For most of that, I blame idiocy — and to some degree, 1st Grade — but there are a few of us who reserve the right to raise our voices every now and then. I do so when I chat, and when I write. It’s as much a part of me as run-on sentences and the word “frabjous.” And delicious, delicious caramel ice cream.

However aggravating it is to see a wall of CAPS, there isn’t any harm in a CRAP or a GOOD LORD every now and then, religious sensitivities aside. I’m perfectly capable of using a thoughtful lowercase, but some things incense me — better yet, some things make me laugh. And sometimes, I want that to pop out from the sea of insanity that is my writing. Some day you’ll thank me for it. Or egg my house.

Which is why I’m buying a house-zeppelin tomorrow.